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Thursday, June 14, 2012

3 On Thursday: Act Your Age

Hey guys! Sorry I was MIA last week. I’m glad to be back and participating in 3 On Thursday this week.

Be sure to visit my lovely co-host, Cole! I’m so thankful to Cole for hosting without me last week. and ignoring the fact that I’m just now posting today. Isn’t she the best?!

3 on Thursday

This week’s question is:

What do you like best/worst about being your age?

Well, first of all, my age is 33.

I like that I have some life experience under my belt. I’ve learned some lessons, and I’m a better person for it. An example – I was a military wife for 8 years (well, I still am, as Jason is in the Navy Reserve…). When we first got married, I knew and understood nothing about the military. I had so many questions for seasoned wives. Now I’m one of those seasoned wives! I love answering questions for wives who are just starting out. I remember how scary the unknown can be, and I’m happy to help with the transition if I can.

I spent my early 20’s worrying and wondering so much about the future. Would I ever find a husband? How will I support myself? Will I have kids? Where will I live? Worrying does nothing for us, friends! There is a plan for you, and you should live your life day by day as god reveals it to you.

I do not enjoy being an adult sometimes. Paying bills STINKS. I hate seeing money come into my bank account and immediately leaving. I don’t like the passage of time across my face. Wrinkles be gone! I still think of myself as young, and it shocks me to realize sometimes that I’m in my mid-30s. Yikes.

And since I missed last week, I wanted to answer that question as well.

What are your 3 summer musts?

I must make a trip to the beach. It just isn’t summer if I don’t put my toes in the sand!

I must paint my toes bright pink. Pink is the perfect summer pedicure color!

I must grill out at least once a week. Meat and veggies are so much better when they are cooked on the grill, don’t you agree?

How about you?

Be sure to visit Cole and say hello!

 

 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Transparency

Sometimes I really, really, really wish I could scrap this blog and start all over. There are many things I'd do differently. For example, I rue the day I shared the link to my blog on Facebook. There are just some things I don't feel comfortable sharing with my mom's best friend. 

I think I might also change my policy on "keepin' it real." Not because I don't believe in it anymore... I do. Not because I feel like I have things to hide or because I don't feel comfortable sharing anymore. But because sometimes it is really, really, really hard to do. 

I deleted my Twitter account on Friday. It was a very impulsive decision, and it is one I regret now. I miss it more than I thought I would. I keep thinking of things I want to share throughout the day, and I realize that my outlet to share those things (Twitter) is gone. I thought it would solve some problems, but it turns out the only thing it did was take away my avenue to vent and share. 

After I deleted my account, I got so many texts/emails from people asking what had happened. What's funny about that is that after I told a few people my reasoning for deleting my account, I never even heard back from them. Which solidifies my belief that it was curiousity and not genuine concern that caused people to reach out to me in the first place. 

So... why did I delete my Twitter account?

Friday around noon I tweeted the following:
I would really appreciate prayers for my husband and I at 3:00 today. We have an important appointment & I pray God is present.
Here's where I want to lie to you. To put on my fake smile, slather on some makeup, and pretend everything is a-ok in my world. 

But it's not. That appointment was with a marriage counselor. A sort of a last ditch effort to save my marriage. See, the truth is, the boat is a little rocky right now. Titanic rocky, if you will. 


Ugh. I hate typing that. Can't I take it back? My keepin' it real policy? I'd much rather you guys think my marriage is a fortress of love than Nick and Jessica right around the time she got too big for her britches and filmed The Dukes of Hazzard. 


Jason and I have been going through some struggles for awhile. He was unhappy; I was unhappy. With each other and with ourselves. It wasn't like we'd been fighting every single day or that there hadn't been moments of love and contentment. There was love, but it got really bogged down in "my side/your side" and "I'm mad at you because you don't do ____/I won't do ____ because you don't do _____." Eventually it got to a point where he decided he was tired and he didn't want to make the effort anymore. He just didn't see the point. 


Which led to our counseling session on Friday. It was a complete and total disaster. I think the counselor thought she was going to have a relatively calm session with two people who just wanted to fine tune their relationship. Instead she got two people who were trying to find a reason to stay together. At one point she said to Jason "it sounds like you need to seek legal advice" and I saw red. I told her I came to save my marriage, not end it, and she was not helping me at all by encouraging further discussions of divorce. 


We won't be seeing her again. 

I left that appointment feeling utterly without hope. I'd been so sure that talking to a neutral party would help us find our way back to each other. I had prayed and I was sure God was going to move a mountain. Instead, I got anger, recriminations, and blame.

I'm not sure what happened between 3:00 p.m. on Friday and Saturday morning. Maybe self-reflection on both our parts. Maybe my prayers were answered. Thank you, God. We reached a turning point this weekend and now are both willing to work to fix the problems in our marriage. 

I'm really not sure how much I will be willing to discuss about this on my blog. It's very private and it isn't just about me. I won't be itemizing my husband's faults or discussing our specific problems with each other. 

I will tell you this has been a big wake up call for me. I've become complacent and unappreciative of the love I have in my life. I'm selfish and I'm lazy. I'm all too quick to lay blame on others instead of focusing in on my own faults. And my faults... well, they are many. 

So I'd appreciate your prayers as we go through the weeks ahead and we both work on ourselves and our relationship with one another. I know it won't be easy and will require lots of work on both our parts. I'm willing to change and I'm excited about the journey God is going to take us on. 

As always, thank you for your support. 
 


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