Raising a Strong Willed Child

Before I had kids, I used to see kids out and about, doing day to day activities with their parents. Grocery shopping, eating at restaurants, strolling the mall. Most of the time I’d smile at their sheer cuteness and dream of the day that Jane or John would by my own. Other days I’d hear their screams of “No, Mommy, NOOOOOOOOO!” as their formerly cute limbs thrashed and kicked and I’d think there is not enough money in the world to make me go off my birth control.

Obviously you guys know how that ended.

Still, I continued to be smug and sanctimonious even after I had my little darling. In fact, this exact conversation took place with Jason more than one time:

Andrea: Do you see that child?

Jason: I see.

Andrea: Cooper will never act that way. NEVER.

Jason: What a brat. I’d (insert dire punishment here) to Cooper is he ever acted that way towards me.

Andrea: Exactly.

Together: Our child will never act that way!

Oh, how stupid we were.

As Cooper has grown, he has developed quite the strong willed and tenacious personality. He has strong opinions and he voices them – loudly. He wants this to eat, that to play with, this to wear, and LISTEN TO ME MOMMY, I AM TALKING TO YOU, PLEASE!

At first I was baffled by this strong little personality. In my mind, children should be obedient and respectful. I’ve been raised to think that having a child who says “yes ma’am”, “please”, “thank you”, and does exactly what you say means you are a good parent.

I’m not at all saying those are bad things. They are great things! I want Cooper to have manners and know the important of kindness.

I just didn’t realize, pre-parenting, how difficult it would be to get my child to do exactly what I say.

We’ve had battles, Cooper and I. Case in point: I hiss “Cooper, get up. GET UP!” as he crawls on the floor of a restaurant lobby. My oh-so-sweet child shoots me a look of the upmost scorn & defiance. I die a little inside as the formerly me (aka smug & sanctimonious) parents look on in horror.

It took many of those moments for me to get to the point where I realized that I was doing something wrong. Oftentimes I’d float above myself in a sea of misery and horror as my child yanked away from me and knocked over a tower of Green Giant canned peas. In those minutes of wishing I was anywhere but here, please God? I’d ask myself “what am I doing wrong?”

For me, the answer to that question is expecting my child to be obedient, all the time. I can’t tell you how many times Cooper would tell me “NO” and I’d respond “Don’t tell me no, Cooper. I AM YOUR PARENT.”

Let’s not talk about how I’ve turned into my mother by uttering that statement.

I started to really question myself. Why can’t he tell me no? What’s wrong with saying no?

I say no all the time.

No, husband, I don’t want to do that.

No, I don’t want to do laundry.

No, I can’t fulfill that obligation.

No, I don’t want to work today.

No, I don’t want to cook dinner.

If I’m an example for my child, the example I am sending him is that it is perfectly ok to say no.

I further pondered that fact that one of the things that I love most about Cooper is that he has opinions. Lots of them. He knows what he wants, and he isn’t afraid to ask for it. He’s strong willed, true, but I believe it will serve him well in the future.

Maybe he will say no when it matters. To driving drunk. To having sex. To stealing, or drugs, or cheating.

That’s when I’ll allow myself to be smug and sanctimonious. That’s when I’ll have succeeded as a parent.  

So I’ve learned that sometimes it is ok if Cooper tells me no. It’s all in the presentation, really. As you can get more bees with honey, I can get more obedience by saying “Cooper, could you please pick up your toys?” than saying “Pick up your toys, Cooper! Now!” For my child, saying anything in a stern tone involves immediate hysterics and meltdowns.

I’ve also learned it is ok if he does things in a minute. Just as I don’t jump right up to pull the laundry out of the dryer the minute it dings, he doesn’t have to immediately pick up his toys the second I ask him to. It’s ok if he finishes his book or drives his train around the train track one more time. Giving him parameters (you can play until the timer goes off) results in success more often than “do this now!” ever has.

Dear God, I pray daily that my child will be strong willed when it matters. Help me to raise a child who knows the importance of saying no. I know I can’t protect him forever, and he will eventually find himself in situations of danger. Help me to raise him to say no in those situations. Help me to raise him to know when it is perfectly ok to say no and when it is not.