So you're probably wondering what the heck is up with me. Why have I disappeared off the face of the earth, you ask? Why have I abandoned Twitter? Why am I being super rude by not responding to text messages and emails?
The truth: I'm afraid of what I might say should I choose to rejoin the world of social media. I'm teetering on the brink, y'all. I am one hysterical laugh away from a full on hissy fit of Scarlett O'Hara proportions.
I shared with y'all a few weeks ago a little bit about what is going on in our lives. To be honest, that post really downplayed everything that is going on. I was purposely being vague because I don't know what the future holds. Let's review, shall we?
- Jason separates from the Navy (after 10 years of service) in mid-June. He starts his terminal leave in mid-May.
- He doesn't have a job yet.
- We know there are no jobs in his field here in Charleston, so we will definitely be moving.
- However, we have no idea where.
- A nuclear power plant in Arizona is really interested in him, as is a plant in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. None of these states are in the South.
- I have no job. Our house is not on the market. We do not have a daycare lined up for Cooper. We haven't arranged for movers. All these things are tough to do when YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE MOVING TO.
- Apparently I've been diagnosed with something called a "non-alcoholic fatty liver." SUPER. My body is fat; why shouldn't my liver be, too?
- After much rumor mongering and speculation to the contrary, we did receive a paycheck on April 15th. Thank God.
- I'm on a budget. Boo hiss. And Cooper lost one of his super awesome Mickey Mouse crocs.
- My dogs are rebelling from all the impending changes by turning my bedroom into their peeing playground. LOVE IT.
- We have 5 weeks, 5 WEEKS, until we have to move. To some unknown, undisclosed location.
Needless to say, I have not been blogging because I'm afraid my venting (aka, my bitching and whining) would turn away the readers I have worked so hard (code = done absolutely nothing) for. Y'all, in case you haven't picked this up about me yet --- I am not a "rolls with the punches" kind of girl. I'm not a girl who would ever be described as spontaneous. I am not, as the kids say, "down with that." I'm down with Xanax, sure, but I'm most certainly not "down with that." I might be "down with that" after months of research and a doctor's note, but easy go lucky I am not.
And as much as I love, LOVE, love every single one of you (family & friends) who has emailed, Facebooked, Twittered, called, sent notes and texts.... if one more person says to me "it will all work out, just wait & see!" I swear I will full on break down right in the middle of Walmart while I'm shopping for hot dogs and bananas. You'll read about me on Yahoo! News and see my on CNN. I'll be the crazy in the produce isle ranting "IT DOES NOT JUST WORK OUT! I NEED ANSWERS! ANSWERS! ANNNNNNNSWERS, DAMN IT! WHERE ARE THE STINKING GREEN BANANAS, YOU FOOL???!!!"
And the po po will cart me away in my Hanes Her Way white t-shirt, Jockey pajama pants, and black Mickey Mouse crocs.
Being a girl who is not "down with that", I have no idea how to deal with all these changes. What do you do when you know change is a-coming but you have no idea when or where? How do you deal with you know your world is about to change in every single way, but you don't know how? Being a person of plans, of research, of to-do lists galore, I have no idea how to deal with this. I'm lost. I'm adrift on a sea of indecision AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
In the midst of this chaos, my one bright spot is my son. My poor, neglected baby. The last picture I took of him was about 6 weeks ago. I haven't written a monthly post since he turned one, and he turned 15 months old last week. He's growing a righteous mullet and I have no plans to cut his hair. I gave up homemade baby food for (no nitrates, I promise!) hot dogs and instant mac and cheese.
In spite of all my Mommy shortcomings, he loves me. At least I think he does. He did bite my boob the other day when I thought he was leaning in for a hug. And he has been whipping open the shower curtain mid-shower and laughing hysterically (hopefully at his actions and not at my naked body. That would just be cruel.). Let's not forget that he's on a personal quest to hide/throw away every possession I own. My zebra flats were found in the shower today. I found my spices in Jason's box of Mountain Dew. And I'm almost positive my missing makeup has taken up residence in the trash can.
Cooper has started chattering incessantly. Most of the time I can't understand him, but what I think he's saying is "Mommy, one day I'll be in therapy for this" and "I'm not even 2 and you're ruining my life." The other day I swear I heard him say "Once I turn 18 I'm outta here."
To deal with all the craziness, I've taken to composing sonnets and haikus. Bad sonnets and haikus, but poetry nonetheless. I'll leave you with my latest work of art.
Andrea is oh so blue
My husband is such a tool
I only wish I was cool
To deal I need some jewels
Or maybe a really good stool
Shel Silverstein I am not.