Talk To Me Tuesday (On Wednesday)

I’m linking up with my friends Shawn and Impulsive Addict for Talk To Us Tuesday. Please go visit these girls – they are some of my besties!

Jason and I are taking a parenting class at the church I attended when I was a teenager. Last week was the first session, and it started uneventfully. We were making small talk with some of the other parents, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something that made me freeze.

It was him. HIM. The guy that rocked my world (and not in a good way) during my teenage years. He made me laugh. He made me cry. But what I remember most about him is how he made me feel like I was never good enough.

His name was *Edward. Looking back, I realize there was nothing special about him. He wasn’t Mr. Popular. He didn’t have big muscles. He wasn’t even the cutest guy in the school. Still, I was drawn to him like I am to sparkly nail polish.

It all started when I was a freshman. He started out as a friend. We’d call each other at night and talk for hours on the phone under the pretense of friendship. I, of course, imagined in my head there was more. There never was on his end – until I would tire of the dramatics and decide to move on. The instant there was another boy on the horizon, he was on the phone confessing his “feelings” for me. Feelings he didn’t want us to tell anyone else because they were “our secret.” Inevitably, a few weeks later he would decide we were better as friends, and I’d go back to being just his pal Andrea.

This went on throughout the entirety of high school. It was a never ending roller coaster ride of “do you like me or not?” and despite my knowing how the ride would end, I never could get off. I spent the years that should have been carefree and fun pining for a boy that never thought I was good enough to be his girlfriend.

Seeing him again last week brought all those feelings back. No, I don’t still have feelings for him. I don’t hate him. I certainly don’t love him. I do feel pity for a boy who didn’t know the value of friendship or love. Most of all, I feel bad for the teenage me who wasted buckets of tears on someone who wasn’t worthy of such emotion.

The pain of those unrequited feelings was carried in my heart for a long time. I didn’t date at all in college. I didn’t trust myself. I wasn’t sure of my emotions or of my ability to handle the affection of the opposite sex. In way, the emotion I feel most when I think of him is anger. Anger that he had the ability to wound me in such a lasting way. Anger that he soured an experience (dating) that was a rite of passage for every other teenage girl in America, but not for me.

I wish, as the adult I am now, I could go back and have a conversation with my teenage self. I’d tell her to move on. Life is too short to waste tears on someone who isn’t worthy. You are good enough – and he’s not because he doesn’t see that.

God had something special in store for me. If God had listened to me, I’d be married now to this man. Thank you, God, for unanswered prayers.

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.