This is a really raw and emotional post. I'm warning you before you read it so you can X out if you like. This is a definite "keepin' it real" post. I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm not asking for help. I'm just sharing with you the real and ugly parts of my life.
This morning was super frustrating, and I'm feeling like the worst mom in the world. Jason has to be at work at 6:45 every morning, so getting myself and Cooper ready falls to me in the mornings. Cooper is at a stage where he (please God, let it be a stage) doesn't want to do anything that he doesn't want to do. In other words, he doesn't want to do anything I want or need him to do. Like change his diaper. Or wipe his boogies. Or God forbid, change his clothes.
Anyway.... this morning was no different than any other morning lately. Cooper screamed and threw tantrums because I wouldn't let him to go daycare with a crusty nose and stained pajamas. The chihuahuas did their patented "let's sulk, hide under the table, and then pee all over the floor when Mom demands we go into our crates" routine. Jason borrowed my keys last night and didn't replace them, so I spent 15 minutes tearing the house apart this morning before I found them. As a result, I was 30 minutes late to work and had a massive meltdown before I even got into the car.
It was a superior parenting moment to the doggies and Cooper. I swear I don't understand why I do the things I do. Screaming at my 1 year old to behave? Not cool. It doesn't solve anything and just makes me feel bad about myself. It's times like these that make me question my ability to raise my son the way I want him to be raised.
I've been questioning myself a lot lately. Am I a good mother? Am I a good wife? Am I even a good person? I'm my own worst critic, and y'all... I'm so hard on myself. I criticize myself because of the way I look. I criticize myself because of the way I act. I never make the right decisions. I feel like I make mistakes all the time. My house is a mess. My marriage needs some work.
Sometimes I feel like I live in a world with super talented, beautiful people... and I'm the one who came up short.
I feel like things that come really easy to other people don't come easy to me. I feel like sometimes its a struggle to get through the day. Things that other people would shrug off and say "oh well" to cause me to completely break down. My temper flairs often, and I feel like I spend most of my day vibrating like a string, waiting to break.
I'm ashamed to admit... but sometimes I ask God "where did you go wrong with me?"
Y'all, this isn't normal. I know this isn't normal. There is a part of me that says "you need to ask for help!" and there is another part that says "I'm a mom! I have to do it all/be it all/handle it all!" I feel like a lot of what is happening to me is my own damn fault. I won't let things go. I don't ask for help. I'm on 24/7 and it is just wearing me to the bone. I'm so tired. It's more than being physically exhausted. I feel spent.
My life is wonderful; I know that. I have a beautiful child, a wonderful husband, family that supports me, health, financial stability, a job. I'm grateful to God for all I have and I know that others have it much worse than me. So why can't I get it together? Why am I so sad and upset all the time? Shouldn't I be happy and content? It's eating at me... the fact that I can't just let go and be happy. Why am I not happy? I don't understand.
I do have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I plan to talk to him about my feelings.
Thanks for listening.
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37 comments:
Being a parent is hard. Most of the time it's not fun at all. It also goes on for a lifetime. Pretty sobering huh? Asking for help and talking to someone is a great idea and there is no shame in it. Anything that makes you happy will make you a better parent. Best of luck, hon!
I'm not even a parent but I have days like this. I wonder if I'm a good wife, employee, daughter, sister, friend, dog owner. Don't feel alone in it- we are all just muddling through.
First..HUGS! And you aren't alone. I have several mommy friends that are the same way. It's tough! You are stronger than you think. I don't have any good advice since I'm not a mom. But I have no doubt that not only are you a good mom, you are a GREAT mom. :) You just need a little R & R!
*Here's a long-distance-through-the-computer-HUG*
I think we all lose it from time to time. As moms, wives, employees, daughters, etc., the weight of the world often feels like it resides right on our shoulders.
You're a great mom and wife! I can tell from the way you talk about your boys.
I agree with the above commenter...maybe a little R&R would be good for you. I'm glad you've made an appointment with your doctor. Perhaps you're a little depressed? It happens. I had a little bit of post-partum after I had Isaiah. I just felt like a black cloud was following me everywhere I went. It took a month or so of me taking Zoloft to feel better.
Saying a prayer for you! Keep us posted.
It is posts like this that make me admire/look up to you even more. It makes me feel like it is ok that I don't always have a good day. And it is ok if I don't have it all together. Because there are other people out there who don't either.
I have just one word for you: Lexapro. Ask your doc for some and take it. It saved my life! Seriously!
I am so glad that you are going to see your doctor tomorrow. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Post-partum depression when her son was 15 months old. It can linger that long if not treated, or even take some time to show up. In order to be the best mom possible, you need to take care of YOU first! Hope your doctor is able to help! We're here if you need anything!
Oh, and thanks for the tips! I'm going to try the baking soda as an exfoliant and I bought some Cetafil {I totally just spelled that wrong didn't I?} the other day!
Sweets! It happens to us all. Take a deep breath and let it out. Talk to your doctor tomorrow. And remember that we are all here to listen. Everyday is not going to be perfect, but it will get better. Chin up! I will be thinking of you.
Please don't feel like you are a horrible mother. Anyone that reads your blog knows you are an amazing mom, friend and wife.
We all go through the ups and downs of parenting. I know there have been times when I've had to take a step back bc I needed a breathe of fresh air.
C is at a trying age. S went through the exact same thing. It's hard when we, as parents, have an idea of how we always said we want to parent, how we want our child to act, etc. Just remember our children and our lives are not cookie cutter, so we need to adapt to what works best for YOU. Only you know what's best.
xoxo
Andrea you have GOT to hear that most of that is normal--totally, all the time, everyday normal--for all of us!
And yes there is a chance it can cross into other areas of anxiety and depression and so I am glad you are talking about your feelings with a professional!
Plenty of parents out there do this every day on and/or off meds, in or out of therapy and on and on.
The main thing is to take care of yorself so you can take care of him and YOU WILL-- you absolutely will despite meltdown days.
That child knows you love him--absolutely- b/c you are the SUN, the moon and the stars to him! ((hugs))
The truth is people can and will be fake to make it look like they are great. There is fake it til you make it - and then there are those others. It's crap. You sound "normal" to me - BUT what the heck is normal anymore?????
Zero shame in needing and wanting help. I hope your dr listens. Demand he does and if not find someone else who will. No shame in it at all.
Andrea, You are a great mommy! Having a melt down during a bad morning does not change that. I think all mom's have these days. I feel your pain in SO many things you said. I wonder all the time how other moms do it all myself! Sometimes the stress is just awful trying to juggle our man, our kids, our home, our jobs, our personal selves. I so get you on this one! Sending you big ole' hug and sweet sincere prayer for you today girlie! And this IS just a stage for C. ;-) Both my girls went through it.
Im gonna second the girl that said Lexapro ! Being a woman is hard, being a mom is harder! Why not make it easier on yourself, and trust me when I say, it does make things easier bc it puts things into perspective. My attitude about it was not that I really wanted to take any medicine, but I got to a point where I couldn't think of why NOT to try it and it helped me tons! Most of what you said sounds a lot like depression! Which this is the prime time of year for it !Hope your doc helps you out and you feel better! xoxo
Thank you so much for posting this. Our boys aren't that far apart in age (mine was born mid-December of 09) so I am 100% with you on so many of the issues you've mentioned with Cooper.
I also have my days of questioning "WTH am I doing here?" and I know I'm not the only one. Parenting may come with lots of useful tips in the form of websites and other friends/family who have been there/done that, but ultimately it's a road we each have to travel alone. All of our stories are different, we're different people, we have different values and different children. What works for one will not work for another. It's frustrating, hard and a CONSTANT work in progress - and you're right. You're the mom. You're supposed to have all the answers, which completely sucks.
I say it's okay to be frustrated and upset and to post about our downs as well as our ups. I'm glad you're willing to talk to your doctor about your feelings and I hope he has some suggestions for you that will settle your mind.
Again, thank you for posting. It reminds us all that we're not perfect, and the person behind the blog is no expection.
Thank you for posting this and being honest in so many ways. As a parent myself and as we all know, being a parent is tough! Some days, we let ourselves down and some days we think we are ah-freaking-mazing. But the truth to me is, parents go through tanturm stages just like children do. I know that may sound silly to you (or anyone else that reads this comment) but I can remember the days that I sit in my bed room, car, work, dressing rooms crying my eyes out because I couldn't figure out why I was doing so many things wrong or that she just wasn't "acting good" for me. One thing that I can promise is that it passes too. Just like another other stage in parenting does. Although, we are all different in every single way possible.
But I am SO happy that you are willing to talk in public and with your Doctor about this, because so many people are to scared too. I may be one of those people too. Just never forget that you are an amazing Mother (& blog/twitter friend.) Keep your pretty head high girl =)
Big hugs to you...I'm NOT a parent, but BFF has two daughters that are "ours" on the weekends and sometimes I wonder the same thing. I wonder if I just wasn't given the "mom" gene that keeps the house clean, toys picked up and clothes stainless. However, when I really look at other moms, they don't have it all together either. I think that it's GREAT that you are going to a doctor; I always believe in trying to solve problems instead of ignoring them. I hope that at least talking to him helps you and that you can realize what a great mom you really are and maybe even get some time to YOU!
xoxo
Jess
That's exactly how I feel most of the time. And I STILL cringe when I think of an instance where I screamed at Maddie when she was 2. I had been frantic trying to study for a math test, and was trying to pack up my stuff so we could get out the door. She was so scared all she wanted me to do was hold her and all I kept doing was pushing her away and yelling. :(
In addition to that instance, I have felt all of those other things you talked about.
I finally got help last year (?) or the year before. My doctor put me on Lexapro and it really helped me.
Hoping you start feeling better soon.
♥ Amber
It has to be normal for a mom to feel that way. I do, and believe me when I say I spent a week in bed back in December. I was just so overwhelmed, and I allow for everything to fall under me. Now that I'm not working I have a better grasp of what makes me get that way.
Let it out, ask for help, talk to someone. And if all fails, call in sick when you feel that way, spent the day with your little guy in your PJ's watching TV. The next day all will seem better.
Andrea, sweetheart! First - (((HUGS))).
Second - I'm so sorry that you are doubting yourself. Please know that we all know what an amazing, committed, involved mommy you are to Cooper and the pups.
Third - I applaud you. Yes, seriously! I applaud that you always "keep it real". People that think they are doing everything perfectly are lying.
Last - I'm thankful that you're going to talk to a professional. You know YOU best. If you think that something doesn't feel right or that you aren't acting how you usually act, it's a sign that you may need A. HELP (be it more help from hubby, a helper to pitch in, or a hand from your mom or other family member) and B. perhaps need to talk through your feelings.
First of all...thank you for being real! That is one of the things I love about your blog.
You are a great mom and do such a wonderful job with Cooper!
XOXOXOXOXO
You are my hero for being so honest! I commend you and your bravery, that was hard crap to share!
There's no shame in getting help, I'm glad you are seeing your doctor tomorrow!
I love you!
Kudos to you for sharing. I think I could have written this post some time in the last year. Life can be hard. Period. Jackson is going through the same "God I hope it's just a phase." My patience are being tested on a daily...hourly basis. It's hard to juggle everything and still feel like you're doing a great job. Just the fact that you're concerned about these things makes you a good mom. I hope you find some answers tomorrow. Take comfort in knowing that you're not alone and you're doing a great job. Hang in there, "it won't be like this for long."
Andrea, OMG I feel the same way (a lot of the time recently). I frequently wonder what is wrong with me-I'm glad you wrote this and shared your feelings. It makes me feel more normal too. I lose my cool, and being pregnant equals way less patience than when I'm not! I can't wait to hear what the doctor says.
You are not alone!
Lately I feel like all I do is yell at my son and he is 3 1/2 years old. And I swore I'd never be "that parent". But no one wants to admit that parenting is hard work and every parent makes some mistakes. I mean it's hard when you are trying to get to work on time and they stall, whine, cry, tantrum... etc. We are only human. If we didn't love our kids so much, they wouldn't frustrate us so much. :) HUGS
Girl you are not alone. Many of us struggle with not being good enough. I read an article recently about social networking and how it actually depresses woman. It is so easy to hop around blogs and facebook and see how perfect everyone else's lives seems. Know that we are all human struggling with something. It is not just you. But good for you for trying to work it out. Sending you hugs.
xxoo
Ashley
Thanks for posting this! I feel this way sometimes and I also feel like i'm the only one who feels this way. I dont have the courage to blog about my emotions sometimes and its nice to know someone else knows where i'm coming from. It's refreshing to know I'm normal! =)
Like others have said, your feelings are very normal. In fact, I had this same discussion last night with some church friends--and we all said the same thing: life gets hectic, we get a little crazy, then we act like we don't know which end is up.
You posted about your faith before and I wanted to recommend a book I'm working through. It's been a both a challenge and a wake up call. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. It's helping me think about how my faith and my emotional life are very connected--and how imbalance in either creates all kinds of trouble for me. I highly recommend it. :)
I'm so sorry friend. I have a feeling you're being too hard on yourself, as is the tendency for mom's. Regardless, I think it's awesome that you recognize a need for a change/help...I think that is often the hardest things for me to do. I hope your appt with the doc went well and I'll be thinking of you friend! :)
Andrea --
I read through the other comments and I saw that there were so many people that feel the same way. I know I do. I struggle and life is hard. I think it's so healthy that you see that you are struggling and want to make changes to be happier. I went through a terrible bout of depression when I was about 30 and went on antidepressants for awhile. They totally helped. I think talking to your doctor is the best thing to do. But knowing that you want to be happier is a great sign. And knowing that other people feel the same way is awesome too!!
I think you are wonderful. Such a sweet person and I can tell that you are a great mom.
Hang in there!
xoxox
Jen
Girl, I could have written a good majority of this post! I am right there with you! Just know you are not alone. I think questioning if you are a good mom/wife/person, etc. makes you strive to be a better person. But, I had a meltdown in my kitchen the other night after hubby left. It was bad news...because he had not left and walked back in to my hunched over the sink bawling my eyes out!
Here's to better days! :)
Andrea, I am so proud of you for asking for help. That is a BIG step and something that a lot of people never do. I know that some people say that you should trust God to heal your needs but I TRULY believe that it was God who gave doctors the wisdom to create and prescribe medicine to help. Praying for peace, comfort and healing for you, friend!
On the screen and in books parenting always looks easier then it really is. REALLY!!! The age of your young one can take a lot out of a person. Remember being a good Mom is taking care of yourself too. Trust me, I'm learning this myself. I neglected me for nearly 16 years and finally I did have a mini break down. Getting help is wonderful! You may want to keep a little journal to see if it is certain times of the month or day where you feel more overwhelmed.
(i didn't take time to read above comments, so if I repeat what anyone else said, then you know it must be true!) I could have written this post myself several times over the past 5 years. It does get better, I promise, but being a parent is HARD. So much harder than just the "tender" moments and warm-baked cookies society lets us think it's going to be. I had a meltdown too, the other week and went to the bookstore looking for one thing and ended up picking this up off the clearance rack: "Mom...and Loving It." Sort of a devotional for struggling moms. It was just what I needed- a reminder from God that it's OK. I remembered the things that I have done well and focused on that.
Anyhoo- hang in there!! and "yea!" for you for having the guts to express yourself.
You know, God had you on my mind this weekend - and i HAD NO IDEA WHY!! And then I find this post - my heart cries out for you- I want you to first understand that you are not alone. Obviously, as you can see from many of the comments, we have ALL been there. I have. More than I care to admit. No one is perfect - no matter what they look like on the outside.
You are a fantastic mother not becase of how well you can juggle it all, ut b/c you have an amazing amount of love to give little C and that, my friend is all that matters. Not the crafts, or the beautiful house, or the cooking skills, or the wifely stuff...none of it - just love.
I hope you were able to get some answers when you saw your MD. I will be praying for you - and you have my number - call me anytime you want to vent!! I'll listen.
~Becca
This post is exactly why I read your blog! Well, one of the many reasons.
Just know you are not alone! I tend to feel the same way on a daily basis about not being good enough. And I look around on campus and feel like I'm the oldest one there. I wonder what I'm doing with my life and so many other things.
But finally, I just decided that I need to just face each day as a new beginning and not worry about the future. If I do, it becomes too overwhelming and I can't handle it.
Hang in there, sweetie. I hope you feel better soon.
Parenting has shown me the very worst in myself.
I'm pretty sure every single parent has hit the breaking point at least once. I know I've had a few days that I'm not proud of.
You are not alone. And you're not a bad mom. You're just human :)
"I'm on 24/7 and it is just wearing me to the bone. I'm so tired. It's more than being physically exhausted. I feel spent."
This line is me. This whole post is me. I really need to go talk to my doctor or someone. I just don't know where to start.
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