Insecurity

I was talking to my friend, Danielle, other day. She asked me “so is being a mom a lot harder than you imagined?” My first impulse was to say “being a mom is amazing! I love it!” It’s like when people ask you how you are, and even if you are having the worst day imaginable, your first instinct is to say “fine, thanks!” instead of “I’m really struggling right now, actually.” We want people to hear about the great things in our lives – not our fears and insecurities.

I try really hard to keep this an upbeat and positive blog. As much as I want to “keep it real”, I also don’t want to blog about every little spat and argument with my husband. I don’t want to blog about the days that Cooper fusses for hours. The reason for this is because these times are just grains of sand in my life. I won’t remember them in five years. They may bring me down or upset me for a few hours or a few days, but in the grand scheme of things they are very unimportant.

However, as much as I want to make this a blog you enjoy reading, I want to be truthful with you about what my life is really like. I read a lot of blogs – mommy blogs, cooking blogs, fashion blogs, etc. In some of the blogs, I’m struck by how perfect that person’s life appears to be. He/she has wonderful clothes and perfect hair. Their house is never messy in their pictures. They love their spouse. Their baby and/or children are happy and perfectly behaved. Their life appears to be a fairy tale. I look at those posts and/or those pictures, and sometimes I think “what am I doing wrong? Why is my life not that way?” I don’t want you to feel that way when you read my blog. My life is not a fairy tale. It’s wonderful and amazing, but sometimes it is awful. And if I don’t show you little pieces of the awful, I’m not being a very honest person.

So in the spirit of showing you little pieces of the awful, let me tell you how I answered Danielle’s question. The truth is that being a mother is hard. Some days it is absolutely overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing a very good job. And sometimes, I want to hand the reigns over to someone else and let someone have a try at being Mother of the Year.

We have had a rough couple of days, and they have brought all my fears and insecurities about being a mother to the forefront of my mind. Cooper has been sick for what feels like weeks. He got a cold his second week at daycare, and he hasn’t been able to shake the runny nose and congestion. He has been super fussy for the past week, and on Sunday he started running a temp of 102.3. We took him to Urgent Care and found out he had an ear infection. He doesn’t feel well (understandably) and as a result, he’s very irritable and wants to be held 24/7. My nerves are shot from spending a day and night trying to soothe and calm him.

I woke up Monday morning and realized that I hadn’t completed my timesheet, which was due to my boss. I threw on some sweats, left Cooper in his pajamas (with a nice pink Amoxicillin stain on his onesie from where he spit it at me), and headed to work to print and sign my timesheet. As soon as we arrived, Cooper did not want to cooperate. I was trying to keep him quiet because I knew people were trying to work, but all he wanted to do was scream. I tried walking and bouncing him but he didn’t want any part of it. I couldn’t get him to calm down and I also couldn’t complete my timesheet with my hands full of him. My coworker finally came and took him from me, and what do you know? He immediately stopped crying. I finished up what I needed to do, and went to find my son so we could leave. I found my coworker in my boss’s office, and they were laughing and talking to Cooper.

I didn’t really clue in to what they were saying until I got a little bit closer. I heard my boss say “Oh, look at you! You’re just a mess. It sounded like your mom was beating you in there. I should call DSS!” She and my coworker just laughed and laughed. I came up behind them and explained that he was still in his pajamas and had an ear infection, and my boss said to Cooper “oh, your momma just doesn’t know what she’s doing, does she? We need to get her one of those Parenting for Dummies books.”

For reals? Seriously? Dear readers, in case you read the above and laughed, let me clue you in to something: that is not an appropriate thing to say to a new mother. Or to any mother, in my opinion.

But let’s ignore the above conversation and focus instead on how it made me feel. It made me feel worthless. Incapable. Stupid. It made me feel like maybe I was wrong; maybe I’m really not cut out to be a mom after all.

Listen, y’all, I do try my hardest. I want so badly to be a good mom. But I’m honestly swamped with insecurities and fears about the job I’m doing. Am I a good mom? Am I making the right decisions for my child? Do I spend enough time with Cooper? Am I doing what I need to be doing to ensure he grows up healthy and well?

Here’s some truths about me as a mom:

• I love my child. LOVE. No one else could possibly love him as much as I do.
• I try my hardest to be the best mom I can be.
• Sometimes my best isn’t good enough. It isn’t 100% for whatever reason: I’m tired. I’m sick. My son is driving me crazy.
• My house is mess 80% of the time. I have piles of laundry, dirty and clean. There are dishes sitting in my sink that need to be washed. My yard needs to be mowed.
• My pets have been neglected since I had Cooper.

I could really go on and on. Here’s the thing: I’m not perfect. I honestly don’t want to be, because imperfections build our character. Seeing what needs work and changing those things – that is what makes us better people. I want Cooper to know that it is important to always strive to be better, to do better. It isn’t the end result, after all, it’s the journey we take along the way.

This is getting super long, so I’m going to go into more detail in a later post. Stay tuned….