There’s lots of things I wasn’t prepared for when becoming a mother. You think you know what it will be like, but you really have no idea.
I had NO IDEA how much I would love this little man. Of course I knew I would love him, but the love I feel for him is really indescribable. I wish I could explain the feeling for those of you who don’t have kids, but I really can’t put it into words. I look at him every day and know I am blessed to have such a happy, healthy boy. And he’s MINE. I don’t mean that in a “he’s my biological child” sense but this child was a gift from God. He was given to me by God to protect and nurture for as long as he is on this Earth. He is MINE.
I had no idea how hard parenting would be. It’s stressful beyond belief at times. When he cries, there are times when I have no clue what to do to soothe him. I get just as upset as he does when he cries. My beautiful baby is a *tad* high maintenance, and he cries a lot. There are times when I have to put him in his crib and walk away for a few minutes because I just can’t take the crying anymore.
I had no idea how tired I would be. When I was pregnant, people said “Get your rest now because you won’t get it once he’s here!” I brushed it off then, but now I wish I had stockpiled sleep like I stockpile toilet paper. I get about 5 hours of sleep a night, and it is broken up because he is getting up so often. Fatigue impacts you in ways you don’t expect. I am not a pleasant person to be around these days.
I had no idea how out of control my hormones would be. Man! There are times when I feel really sorry for my husband. (Not those times when I find him chanting “I love my wife. I love my wife. I love my wife.” He says he has to say it over and over sometimes to remind himself that he does love me. I’m telling you – I’m not a pleasant person these days.) One minute I’m crying and the next I’m angry beyond belief.
I had no idea how my relationship with my husband would change. I love him so much more for being Cooper’s father. However (if I’m being brutally honest)… sometimes I hate him. My friends had warned me there would be times when I would feel this way, but I smugly thought I would be different. I’m not. I resent him for sleeping so peacefully through the night when I’m up every hour for feedings. I resent him for not hearing the baby cry when I awake at the slightest peep. I don’t understand how he can let the baby cry as if it doesn’t phase him when I am madly bouncing and pacing because the sound is wearing on my nerves. He’s a wonderful father and he does help me so much, but primary care will always fall on the mother in my opinion.
I had no idea what an imperfect mother I would be. I was so smug and self-righteous before I had the baby. “I will never do that!” came frequently out of my mouth. Whatever. I do what I have to do to survive these days. That might mean not cleaning the house for weeks or eating takeout more than I care to admit because I don’t have the time to cook. (Again with the brutal honesty….) It also mean that I’ve yelled at my child. There are times when he’s been crying for hours. I’m home alone and I can’t do anything to soothe him. I’ve tried everything and am at my wit’s end. It gets to the point where I’m crying with him because I’m just so frustrated, and I yell at him to “Stop! Just stop! Tell me what you need!” I’ve had to put him in his crib and go shut myself in the bathroom for a few minutes because I just can’t take it anymore. I’m so ashamed of myself for doing it (he’s a baby and he’s just doing what babies do) but I’m willing to bet I’m not the first mother who has ever yelled at their child, and I won’t be the last.
At the end of the day, I had no idea how amazing this journey would be. As hard as it is, it is totally worth every tear, every frustration, and every lost hour of sleep I get.
I love this boy. He is mine.
27 comments:
Oh sweetheart! I ached for you reading this post. I KNOW exactly how you are feeling. Truly I do. It's fantastic you are articulating those feelings and what you are going through. I am sure you are asking for help from your GP and local nurse. Can I suggest a book like "The contented baby book" by Gina Ford and or checking to see if Cooper has silent reflux (stupid name, nothing silent about it)
apologies if too much advice. It's just I know what you are going through and I know how much you love him and your husband. It's just right now, in the fog, its hard to remember why isn't it?
xxx
I love your brutal honesty- being a mother is NEVER perfect- and all of us went through it. There were times when I wanted to kick my hubby in the head. literally. I was so upset with him at 3 am I had to go and sleep elsewhere. We have all been there!
The best part of it all is the perfect little angel that God entrusted to us! And he is so sweet.
~Becca
The first couple of months are the hardest to get thru...until the teenage years. All the things you described I went thru and survived so I know you will too. Hang in there!
He has grown SO much! Loved the honest post. I agree with you on all of it. I wish I was closer so I could come give you a break. I told my momma she has to stay here with me for the 1st month!
At the risk of totally annoying you, when i was telling my mom and nonie about cooper ( while sitting around the hospital for a week) they said maybe he has reflux and your doc could give him something for it to help with the crying and stuff. Just an idea..
I will pray for you to be able to get some sleep!
Girl! I totally understand all of that, and I have done it all too! Wow, crazy how we are all so much alike in this area! :D
Never feel bad for having to take a self imposed time-out. THAT is what makes you a good mother. Knowing when you need to walk away.
I've been there and done that. With the first you have no idea how hard it will be. With my second I didn't understand how easy I had it with my first one. And with my third, I was in awe at how difficult it is to handle 3 even with a super easy baby. But as the number grew the more patient of a mother I became. And it does get easier. Routine is really important and once that is in place (napping and such) it is great. And once they can do things for themselves it's really great!!! My husband was always more patient with the babies then I was. I think it was because he wasn't with them all the time. But yes, there was some resentment in the middle of the night, or during the day when he was at work. Keep your chin up, it does get easier.
Carie
Believe me when I say, as much trauma as you may be having now, one day (likely when he is a teen) you will look back and wish for these days again.
He is so precious and they grow so fast! Simply adorable!
Awesome post. What you've said is oh so very real and true. Having three kids now ages 15 (almost 16), 11, and 5 (almost 6)...I am to the point that if I can get them grown, I'm a success! But, I love them with all my heart. They are mine.
You are AMAZING for being so honest. So many mom bloggers paint this picture of how perfect being a mom is. I'm sure it's great, but I'm sure it's so much harder than you can imagine.
I was a nanny for years, but I got to go home at the end of the day!! I was friendly with the moms I was a nanny for back in college, so I was there to see them cry because it was just so hard. People really don't prepare you for that.
It gets so much better. I always say once they hit 6 months it really starts to get a lot more fun. I love babies, but once the kids I took care of hit that stage I really enjoyed being around them. And from then on, it gets better and better and better.
You are such a good mom. You have no idea how good of a mom you are. No one is perfect. You're doing a GREAT job.
Keep it up!
xoxo
Hang in there!! I wish I could tell you it gets better. We didn't get Luc until he was a little over a year old. But, we had watched him a few times while his biological Dad was alive (long story short - we have my fiance's nephew) and he would scream for hours and nothing would soothe him.
Now that he is two, he will still throw such fits that I had to walk outside to try to escape the cries. You just feel helpless!
Again, hang in there!
I'm sure that even though it's tough and you feel down on yourself - that in all honesty you're a fabulous mom because you're willing to accept that you have some areas to improve.
Unfortunately, I can only relate with dog stories, and I figure if dogs can stress me out, babies are bound to be about 6000x more trying.
Keep being honest with your husband and with yourself. I think it's a good thing.
And your baby is just PRECIOUS!!!
Your honesty is exactly why I won't be having children! Well, one of many reasons. I don't do well with kids, they get on my nerves very quickly. Everyone tells me that when you have your own child, it's much different. But I've also heard from mothers whose "mother instinct" never really kicked in. I'm afraid that's who I'd be. I love, love, love babies but I also love to hand them back to Mommy when they get fussy!
Motherhood is such a blessing! Hunter is the love of my life...I don't know how I ever lived without him!
he's so stinkin' cute.
Hang in the girl! I love your honesty and you being so honest will help out in the long run! That 4th picture of your lil guy is soo cute though!
What an honest post!! I'm not a mom, so there's no way that I can know what you're going through. But I know that you love him beyond words and that it's all worth it. :-)
(((HUGS)))
What an honest post, Andrea. Yep, being a new mom is HARD. It's different for everyone of course, and a lot depends on the amount of help you get. Like you, nighttime feedings always fell to me because I was nursing. And yes, you do resent the one slumbering peacefully next to you!
Mikayla was kind of colicky and there were moments I thought my head was just going to explode. It's at those times when it IS best to place the baby in his crib and just walk away for a few minutes. It doesn't make you a bad mom and it doesn't hurt Cooper.
Does Cooper take a binkie? If not, I suggest you give it a try. Sometimes it was the only thing that would soothe my girls.
Justine :o )
Andrea I am so sorry I haven't over here in awhile...But I have to say Cooper is so beautiful! Just so precious beyond words. I have to say you aren't the only one with a high maintenance child..Hailey cried all the time when she was a baby and I was always so frustarated and tired..It certainly was alot worse when Steve went back to work but I will say everytime he was home I used him alot just so I could get a break for myself! You can do it because you love your child so much. I wish I could say it gets easier but being a parent is never easy and you never stop learing..Trust me I am still learning everyday with my 7 yr old..Lots of hugs to you and your precious baby boy!
Andrea I wish I could say something encouraging but, since I'm not a mother, I know that I don't fully understand and would fall short.
I appreciate your honesty. I pray for more sleep for you!!!
Oh man it's HARD...it's GREAT...but it's HARD!!!
Yes Motherhood is amazing, stressful and joyful. I am an old salt when it comes to motherhood but wish I had the resources that young mothers have today. One thing I observed from your post is about your baby being high maintenance with a lot of crying.....something you might consider is checking your diet. Your little man "might" be having a lactose intolerance, getting it from what your eating. MIGHT be worth eliminating dairy in your diet, chocolate, milk, cheese, yogurt...etc. BUT do take your calcium vitamins. JUST a thought....maybe it will help.
Yes Motherhood is amazing, stressful and joyful. I am an old salt when it comes to motherhood but wish I had the resources that young mothers have today. One thing I observed from your post is about your baby being high maintenance with a lot of crying.....something you might consider is checking your diet. Your little man "might" be having a lactose intolerance, getting it from what your eating. MIGHT be worth eliminating dairy in your diet, chocolate, milk, cheese, yogurt...etc. BUT do take your calcium vitamins. JUST a thought....maybe it will help.
Oh AndreaLeigh I am so happy for you guys!! Your little man has SUCH expression!!
xoxo
Michelle :)
I have been gone for awhile, just not that long! WOW congratulations!
I understand. You want to do your very best but when you are exhausted, it is difficult. I found myself really frustrated and had to leave the room for a few minutes to catch a breath. It is totally natural,trust me. I have a son with autism, he did not sleep all night for 6 years!! I know what sleep deprived is! (Hugs to you, my hubby never got up and always said, "Babe I was awake too.") OMG. One time I fell out of the bed while tending to my son, I was so tired I couldn't do anything but laugh..ugh.
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