Deep Thoughts

Today I’ve felt, all day, as if God was speaking to me. He has a message for me, and it’s time for me to decide whether or not I’m finally going to listen.

Warning: This post will be painfully real. I’ve always said that I strive to keep it real on my blog… and folks, it doesn’t get much more real than this. This post doesn’t paint me in the greatest light… I’m aware of that, and I accept it. I still need to share it.

Faith. It’s oh so easy to say you have faith, and it is much harder to live it. This has been the message that God has been sending to me for these past few weeks.

I’ve always believed in God. Throughout my life, there have been periods when I’ve been very faithful and periods when I have not. I grew up in the church, but it wasn’t until high school that I really grew in my faith. My boyfriend at the time was extremely involved in his church, and he invited me to attend with him. It was an instant spiritual connection with the church and congregation members, and I fell in love: with God, with the church, with the people. I’ve never felt as close to God or as strong of a Christian as I did in those days.

Since then, I’ve drifted. There will be times, usually of great chaos or tragedy, when I once again draw close to God. Oh yes… I’m never as “good” of a Christian as when things are going badly in my life. But as soon as things improve, I get too busy and/or distracted for God. I don’t do it intentionally by any means, but inevitably it happens.

In recent years, I’ve spent more time away from God than I have with Him. I don’t go to church. I don’t read my Bible. I only pray when I need something. Yes, you read that right. Blessings? I take them for granted. Problems and/or troubles? I’m immediately on my knees, only to rise when the problem is solved or averted.

Having a child has made me re-evaluate my life and my priorities. I want to be a better person for my son. The truth is that I don’t really like myself very much. I don’t mean that I’m not a good person but that I don’t really like the things I say and do. I hate the way I talk to my husband when I get upset. I don’t like the way I choose to react to stress or chaos in my life. I want to be different… I want to be better.

But, you see, I’ve always wanted to be different. It’s always the same song and dance: I get dissatisfied with my myself, whether it be my walk with God, my weight, my [insert noun here]. I decide to change things. I commit myself to change. I’m going to go to church! I’m going to read my Bible every day! I’m going to work out and eat right! I’ll clean my house and make it spotless every day! Two weeks or two months later, I’m back to the same old me.

When Cooper was born, things were not the perfect vision of Mommyhood that I had imagined. If you are new to my blog, read about it here. I was stressed, and I was scared. In my post, I said:

It’s so easy to say that you have faith and trust when things are going your way. It isn’t so easy when things are chaotic and out of control.

Since then, we found out that Cooper does not have CAT. His genetic testing was a false positive, and he is a healthy baby boy. His burn has healed. God has blessed me beyond measure with the health of my child. However, since that time, I’ve continued to ponder the status of my faith. It isn’t enough for me to just believe any longer – I want something more.

These feelings have been especially evident in the past two weeks. I found out recently that due to budget cuts, I will most likely loose my job, either in the next month or the next few months. This is terrifying to me. I love being a stay at home mom right now (I’m on maternity leave) but I have no idea how we’ll make things work financially without my paycheck. The worry has been plaguing me. I wake up in the middle of the night, stressing about the future. I pray daily, telling myself that I trust in God’s plan. I say that I’m ok with what happens, because it is meant to be. I talk about closed and opened doors. Deep down, though, I’m not being honest – if I really and truly trusted in God’s plan, I wouldn’t continue to worry night after night. Even though I pray for God to talk away my worries, I’m holding so tight to them that He can’t lift them from my shoulders.

Today I was browsing blogs, and Kelly at Kellyskorner wrote a blog post that blew me away. Specifically, she said:

Faith is believing the Word of God and ACTING upon it. Even the devil and the demons BELIEVE in God. It's not enough to just believe.

Wow. I have never needed to hear words as much as I needed to hear those words. It isn’t enough to say I have faith. It isn’t enough to believe. I’m not living the life I was meant to live unless my actions change as well.

So I’m putting it out there, and hoping you’ll keep me accountable. I’m not satisfied with myself or with my walk with God. I truly believe that if my walk improves, everything else will fall into place. My weight, my finances, my marriage….none of that can change until I change. It’s time.

I’m committing myself to finding a church I can attend regularly. I want to start spending time with God each day, in devotion and in prayer. I’ve purchased a Beth Moore devotional and several Beth Moore books, and I’m going to read them and apply them to my life. I want to find ways to reach out to and minister to others as well.

How about you? Is there something in your life you want to change? Are you unsatisfied with your walk with God? If you are, you are welcome to join me in this journey. If you want an email accountability partner, I’m your girl. Email me!