Andrea’s Guide to Pregnancy, Part II

It’s been awhile since I published the first edition of the Andrea’s Guide to Pregnancy: The Things the Books Don’t Tell You But Your Girlfriends Will, which was written when I was about 20 weeks along. Now that I’m almost at the end of my journey, I figure it’s about darn time that I updated with all the other juicy tidbits I’ve learned about pregnancy. Remember my policy of keepin’ it real? Well, read on at your own risk.

Disclaimer #1: I’m not an expert, and yes, this is my first pregnancy. This is meant to be a fun, tongue in cheek account of my journey through the unpleasant side of pregnancy. If you are trying to conceive or are expecting, these things may happen to you and they may not. My mama always said “to be forewarned is to be forearmed”… or something like that.

Disclaimer #2: I love my child. I can not like *some* aspects of pregnancy and still love my child. And yes, I know this will all be worth it in the end.

With that said, let’s get started!

Andrea’s Guide to Pregnancy: The Things the Books Don’t Tell You But Your Girlfriends Will, Part II

The Dark Brown Line

Some women get this line and some don’t. It is, as it sounds, a very dark brown line that runs down the length of your lower stomach. It’s relatively harmless and it will eventually fade and/or disappear entirely.

Some women (me) are complete and total freaks, and instead of getting a vertical line, they get a horizontal line. Seriously! My dark brown line circles my natural waistline. It’s awesome. Really.

Heartburn & Acid Reflux

I talked about this in the first edition, but it deserves a second mention because it only gets worse the further along you are in your pregnancy. It will keep you from sleeping, and when you do go to sleep, it will wake you up. You’ll be starving and won’t be able to eat because it will feel as if your food lodges in your throat.

There are triggers for every woman, and I advise you to pay attention and figure out what yours are. I’m still working on this, but I do know I can’t eat spicy foods and onions are now a no-no. I’ve found milk helps me, and I’ve been through more bottles of Tums that I care to admit. If it gets really bad, talk to you doctor about a prescription medication.

Super-Sized Panties and Urkel Waistlines: When Did I Become My Grandmother?

This is one area that I’m sure some of my fellow mommies and mommies-to-be will disagree with me. There are some women who can get away with wearing their regular underwear and pants for most, if not all, of their pregnancy. They wear their low-rise pants and panties with pride, happy to still be fashionable and excited about not spending money on a pregnancy wardrobe.

To those women I say: you are crazy! Why? God blessed us women with maternity clothes and I say you should wear them with pride. Maternity pants are the best things ever… stretchy and non-binding, which as you get further along are super important. I, personally, love the full panel pants. Some women want the type that go under their belly but I wear my pants tucked up under my boobs with pride.

I wore hipster type underwear before my pregnancy, and while I can still wear them, I won’t. Granny panties might not be attractive but there is nothing worse than sitting down and having your big belly push your underwear down. Again, wear them with pride! I don’t know about you, but being sexy isn’t on this pregnant momma’s list of things to do.  There’s time for that… maybe around the time I want to think about getting pregnant again.

While we’re on the subject, let me advise you to invest in some pads or panty liners around the 20 week mark. Another fascinating and lovely side effect of pregnancy is the (to put it politely) wetness down there.

2nd Trimester Dizziness

This was a hard one for me. It always happened while I was in the shower. I had to be extremely careful not to get too hot, and steam really bothered me. I usually ended up showering in cool water with the curtain open halfway. In spite of those precautions, many times I had to go lie down after getting out of the shower because I felt like I was going to pass out. It’s normal, and it’s related to the massive amount of extra blood your body is producing and storing in your second trimester. My advice – take it easy and sit down immediately if you feel dizzy. Better safe than sorry!

Morning Sickness Isn’t Only A 1st Trimester Thing

I also mentioned morning sickness in the first edition, but it also bears a repeat. Don’t buy into the hype that morning sickness will only last for 12 weeks. It could be less, or it could be more. Mine lasted for 18 weeks. Friends of mine have reported that theirs lasted the entire pregnancy. I would die.

Here’s what helped me and what didn’t:

• Some sort of caffeinated, sugary beverage first thing in the morning – Pepsi was my drug of choice.
• Breakfast ASAP – I felt best when I ate protein and carbs together. I loved bagels with eggs.
• Eat whatever you feel like eating. If you are truly suffering, now is not the time to worry about your diet. Often the things that appeal to us are the things our body needs or knows we can tolerate.
• Ginger ale was worthless, and Preggo Pops did nothing for me. Peppermints did help.
• If you feel sick, go with it. The best I would feel all day would be right after throwing up. Embrace it. It isn’t going away.
• Keep grocery baggies in your car and purse. You never know when you’ll need them, and trust me, it’s better to be prepared than not. Word of caution: check the bags for holes, and don’t ask me why I know you should do that. You can imagine.
• Invest in a travel toothbrush and toothpaste. Keep them in your purse. Use them often.
• Be careful when brushing your teeth. I still throw up if I brush too far back on my tongue.

The Myth of the 2nd Trimester Energy Boost/Sex Drive Increase

I hope this happens for you. I really do, but it didn’t for me. I will say I was not as exhausted in my second trimester as I was in my first. The first trimester was brutal… I often felt boneless and weightless, I was so tired. In the second trimester, I was just plain tired, and that’s really never gone away.

And as far as my sex drive goes? Hahahahahaha. There are no words. I have not once, during my entire 35 weeks of pregnancy, felt the desire to initiate sex. I really don’t even think about it. For your husbands’ sakes, I hope you all feel differently. Then again, for your sake, maybe it’s for the best. Save that energy for important things, like trips up and down the stairs for snacks.

While we’re on the subject, there is something I’ve read about (Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs) called the Blue Twinkies. I can’t vouch for what she wrote, but apparently certain areas of your lady parts turn blue at some point during pregnancy due to increased blood flow in the area. Y’all with the increased sex drive -- report back to me on this, mmmkay?

Cankles

I think it’s safe to say every woman will experience swelling at some point during her pregnancy. Mine didn’t start until my 30th week of pregnancy, but my co-worker Dawn blew up like a holiday lawn decoration around her 16th week.

Of course the most popular area to swell seems to be the feet and ankles, leading to the ever attractive cankle. Your feet may get bigger and wider, and you may find you can’t wear your shoes anymore. You may have been a fashionista prior to your pregnancy, but once the cankles come to town all you’ll want to wear are slippers, flip flops, and the dreaded Crocs. Drink lots of water, and avoid foods high in salt. While I love olives, they make me puff up like a blow fish. Be sure to call your doctor if it gets out of control, because swelling can be a sign of other problems in pregnancy.

Another place you might experience swelling is your nose. You nose may swell and/or widen. Don’t freak out… it will probably return to normal after pregnancy. Probably.

The Pregnancy Mask

The actual term for this is melasma, and some women (myself) get it even when they aren’t pregnant. This refers to dark brown splotches on your skin that develop during pregnancy (and in my case, whenever I don’t use lots of sunscreen when I’m not pregnant). Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to prevent melasma, and it is extremely hard to get rid of. I have several patches on my skin, and a rather awesome crop of it on my upper lip that looks suspiciously like a moustache.

Since I’ve dealt with this pre-pregnancy, I will tell you that chemical and physical exfoliants help to lighten these areas. I recommend the Clarisonic skincare brush and mandelic acid (not while you are pregnant!). Laser skin treatments are pretty much the only way to get rid of this completely.

Oops, I Tinkled Again (and again, and again….)

Be prepared to go to the bathroom 5, 899 times a day. When you do go, you will tinkle the smallest amount possible, and five minutes later you’ll have to go again. This isn’t so terribly bad during the day, but it’s a pain in the patootie at night. Your child may decide to use your bladder for kickboxing practice as well, in which case you’ll probably pee your pants.

Dreams

Pregnancy dreams are both horrifying and awesome. I’ve had wonderfully detailed dreams about deceased family members visiting me and reassuring me about my future. I’ve had dreams about conversations with my husband that were so realistic that I act upon them next day. I’ve had hot, erotic sex dreams (which totally make up for the lack of a sex drive – they are THAT good). I’ve also had terrible nightmares about babies with three heads. The last wasn’t pleasant, but the others have been pretty darn interesting.

Crotch Pain

I shared a little about this gem in one of my previous posts. This is brutal and for me was totally unexpected.

This happens for a couple of reasons. In your third trimester, your baby begins to descend and his/her weight begins to press against your pelvic area. Your ligaments are also stretching. You may experience a sharp, stabbing pain at times during pregnancy, maybe when you cough or sneeze. This is round ligament pain and (as long as it goes away) is totally normal.

If your crotch pain is brutal like mine, ask your doctor to write you a prescription for a pregnancy belt. This and staying off my feet as much as possible for a few days helped tremendously.

Fat or Pregnant? Fat AND Pregnant?

If you are a plus-size mom-to-be, you may experience pregnancy in a totally different way than our smaller moms-to-be. It’s ok! Don’t let this get you down.

Try not to get upset if you don’t develop a perfectly round basketball belly. I didn’t start showing until I was 22 weeks, and even then I looked more fat than pregnant. I wasn’t noticeably pregnant until I was about 26-28 weeks along. Even now, at 35 weeks, people still assume I am only 6 months pregnant.

I had a lower belly pooch before pregnancy, and for the longest, I had two separate bellies – upper and lower. It was super sexy and attractive, trust me! I’m just now starting to round out and merge into one belly, and I have that awesome horizontal dark line around my waist. Let’s just say this girl didn’t take any belly shots, that’s for sure.

Sleepless Nights

Between 20 bathroom trips a night, back pain, and the inability to stay in one position longer than an hour, I don’t get much sleep at night anymore. There isn’t a lot you can do about this, unfortunately. There comes a point in your pregnancy when you’re just plain uncomfortable.

I love my pregnancy wedge pillow, which I got at Babies R Us. I lodge it up under my belly and it relieves the pressure of the baby on my back and spine. I also sleep with a body pillow and a pillow between my legs. When the heartburn is bad, I sleep on my back, propped up by pillows. Try sleeping in a recliner – I wish I had one!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Experienced moms and moms-to-be, do you have anything to add? Moms-to-be or those thinking about moms, is there anything you want to ask me? You all know I’m an open book, so ask away, and if I don’t know, I’ll find out for you.

Stay tuned for my next installment, hopefully coming soon:

Andrea’s Guide to Labor and Delivery: What Childbirth Classes Don’t Prepare You For and Your Girlfriends Won’t Tell You Because They Want You To Have Babies, Too