Andrea’s Guide to Pregnancy

One thing I learned pretty quickly after finding out I was pregnant: mommies and moms-to-be love to talk about their experiences. There really isn’t anything you could ask a mom or mom-to-be that would shock her. If something awful or gross happen to her during her pregnancy – trust me, she wants to share.

Me? I’m no different. I’m very much a “keepin’ it real” kind of girl. I’m also pretty open and honest – if you ask me something, unless it is completely none of your business, I’ll answer you.

I really wasn’t prepared for all the funky stuff that happens to you when you’re pregnant. Here’s a secret for those of you who have not experienced pregnancy: it ain’t pretty. Your body does some weird, terrible things. You loose control over certain bodily functions. Things that used to embarrass you? Not anymore.

Luckily for you all, you have me. I’m not afraid to embarrass myself or share my secrets in the name of keepin’ it real. Grab a coffee, ladies, and settle in for:

Andrea’s Guide to Pregnancy: The Things The Books Don’t Tell You But Your Girlfriends Will

“Morning” Sickness

Morning sickness my butt. I’d like to find the person who named this and slap them silly. My morning sickness started the moment I opened my eyes until the time I fell asleep. My sister-in-law used to wake up in the middle of the night and get sick. Moral of the story: it can happen at any time.

I can clearly remember at week 6 telling the husband “I feel great! Maybe I will be one of those women who never get sick.” Y’all, I could reach back in time and stab myself in the vocal cords. I think the so-called “morning sickness” (hereafter referred to as The Beast) started the next day.

I was sick from week 7 until week 18. Weeks 7-9 were tolerable – I was sick about three times a day. Weeks 9-11 were terrible; I’ve seriously blocked out the hideousness. Everything I put in my mouth came back up. I was sick at least 12-15 times a day. It calmed down around week 12, and from week 12-17 I went back to being sick “just” a few times a day. I still get sick but since it is no longer every day I manage it just fine. The truly ironic thing? I took prescription medication (Zofran) and was still that sick. How bad would it have been had I not taken meds?

The Beast is a funny thing. Before I got pregnant, I thought throwing up was the worst thing ever. After I got pregnant? It’s just a moment in my day. Sometimes the best I would feel all day would be the 20 minutes after I got sick.

I’ve been sick everywhere. Restaurants, outside restaurants, at work, in Wal-mart, sitting on the couch, in the car…. I’ve learned to be prepared. There is a stash of doggie clean up baggies in my car and purse. Here’s a little tip from me to you: if you’re using plastic grocery bags, check before using for holes. I learned that the hard way.

Something else I wasn’t prepared for was the instant hunger that came after The Beast. The minute I was done in the bathroom, I was heading to the kitchen to find something else to eat. It didn’t matter that it would come back up – this momma was hungry.

Exhaustion

Pregnancy exhaustion is so much more than “I haven’t slept in 24 hours” exhaustion. It comes from your bones. You literally feel like a zombie, as if all the strength has been leached from your bones. I would come home from work and sleep for 3 hours, stay up 2 or so hours to eat dinner, and immediately go back to bed and sleep all night. This appeared week 5 and lasted until about week 10 for me.

A lot of people say that in your second trimester you will get a burst of energy. I say those people are freaks. They probably do crazy things like exercise when they are pregnant. Don’t mind me, y’all, I’m just bitter. This obviously never happened for me.

Don’t Touch Those!

I’d read in the pregnancy books that your breasts get tender in your early pregnancy, but I wasn’t prepared for how tender. Great googly moogly, readers – it hurts. It hurts to take a shower. It hurts to wear a bra. It hurts not to wear a bra. And having someone touch them on purpose? Hahahahahahahahahaha! Ask my husband about that one and he’ll show you his pinky that now leans to the right.

Also, your areola (the dark circle around your nipple) will get bigger. Much bigger, and darker too boot. Think teacups and saucers bigger. It isn’t pretty by any means.

Weight Gain… and Loss

This is fairly obvious and I think it is something we all are, have been, or will be prepared for. Please keep in mind that everyone is different. You may be the girl who keeps her perfect shape and simply has the round basketball belly. Or you may blow up like a balloon – you just never know. I say eat what you want (within reason) and embrace this time in your life when massive weight gain is perfectly acceptable.

Me? I’ve lost about 20 pounds, thanks to The Beast. Is it wrong to be the tiniest bit excited about that?

Hair, Skin, & Nails

Prenatal vitamins are both a blessing and a curse. One on hand, the iron can make you feel nauseous. On the other, your nails grow like weeds and your hair is super shiny. All of my girlfriends rave about their gorgeous hair during pregnancy. Hah! My hair is falling out in clumps and is extremely dull and dry. Go figure.

And this so-called pregnancy glow? Yeah, whatever. The only glow I’ve experienced is sweat. On the other hand, my skin has been blemish free thus far. My skin is usually pretty oily but since I got pregnant it is dry and very dull.

The Bathroom Chronicles

One thing I was not prepared for – at all – was the bathroom issues I would experience while pregnant. There’s no polite way to say this, so I’ll just be frank: I’m talking about pooping.

I’ve always been extremely regular. I used to go to the bathroom every single day. Not anymore! Pooping is an event. It’s something I get excited about and have to share with my mother. “Mom, I went to the bathroom today!” is actually a conversation that occurred recently. (And FYI, she was excited for me. But it had been TWO WEEKS, y’all. You should be excited for me, too.)

And when you finally do go to the bathroom? It isn’t pleasant. I read somewhere that pooping while pregnant is a small slice of what to expect when you are in labor. All I can say: if that’s true, I’m in trouble.

I do have to give props here to my dear husband, who during my two week intestinal strike willingly went to CVS to buy me stool softener, prune juice, and Metamucil. Go hubs!

Oops… I Tinkled

I knew I would have problems in this area, but I didn’t expect it to happen as soon as it did. After all, I am the girl who once peed in her pants during a tour of a haunted house. This started with The Beast. Throwing up = peeing on myself. Now it’s escalated to where sneezing or coughing means I have to change my pants. Oh, the glamour…

Heartburn

Dude, heartburn is viscous. The first time it happened to me, I was eating lunch at Wendy’s. I immediately called my mom and reported that I thought I was having a heart attack. After expressing an appropriate amount of concern (“Um, did you call 9-1-1?”) she asked me to relay my symptoms. “It feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart. It hurts to breathe.” My mom laughed and said “Oh, that’s just heartburn! Take a Tums.”

Headaches

I haven’t experienced this as much as some of my fellow preggos have. I have a friend who gets migraine-like headaches every single day. I will say pregnant headaches are much worse, for me, than non-pregnant headaches. Then again, maybe that’s because you aren’t allowed to take anything besides Tylenol to treat it.

Excuse me!

One word: gas. It comes out two ways. I’m not saying you should have burping and passing gas contests with your husband, but hey, it’s reality. Embrace it. It happens to us all.

Ok, my fellow mommies and moms-to-be: what am I forgetting? What did you experience and what did you not? I want to hear from you!