It's tough to be a girl

Most of the time I love being a girl. I love makeup, fashion, purses, high heels, soft and smooth skin, smelling good, and the million other benefits associated with being a girl. I really don't think I'd like having a penis. Having a dangley appendage that has a mind of its own and can embarrass you at any point during your day does not sound fun to me.

There are days, though, when I find it the various routines and habits that us women have to endure to be exhausting. Those are the days when I am jealous of men. My husband can get ready in 5 minutes and look reasonably presentable. Give him 20 minutes and a hot shower and he often looks better than I do, with an additional 60 minutes, tons of products, and a girdle. And speaking of girdles, do men feel the need to shove their extra body fat into a spandex torture suit? No, they don't care. They are accepting of their rolls, lumps, and bumps. It's us women that feel the need to wrap ourselves up that mummies just to look 5 pounds slimmer in our little black dresses.

I am not a girl who embraces her natural beauty, namely because I have no natural beauty. I've been blessed with huge honkin' pores, lots of redness, and hyperpigmentation (brown spots). Lovely. I really want to be the girl that can go out in public without makeup, and I just can't do it. Oh, I have. Some days I just don't care, but most of the time the appearance in the mirror shames me enough to at least put on a little foundation and powder, else I closely resemble Britney in her shaved head and paparazzi attacking stage.


Let's take a look at Kim Kardashian, shall we? Say what you will about her pseudo-celebrity status and sex tape, but she's a beautiful girl with amazing skin. I only wish I looked this good with makeup. Or how about Adriana Lima? There isn't that much difference between the natural face and her face with makeup. She's flawless.



They both make me sick.

Instead, I look more like Renee Zellweger when I first roll out of bed. Add in hair that closely resembles Elvis's pompadour, and you have my morning look. NOT CUTE. I'm even sporting that expression when I first get up. Mornings are not my friend.


Now, there are some tips and tricks that I've learned from celebrities that will help you on those days when you want to get out and run and errand without showering, applying makeup, or fixing your hair.

#1 Big sunglasses are your friend

I love me some big sunglasses. Besides the fact that they balance out my obscenely large and round face, they also make me feel very Jackie O.



Take a look at any tabloid, and see if you can find any pictures of stars without makeup. That person will almost always be wearing large sunglasses. Why? Because it covers up half your face. All you need is lipgloss when your dark circles and the bags under your eyes are covered up by your wide load shades.



#2 Hats camouflage second day bedhead wonderfully

If you went to college, take a minute and think back to your early morning, 8 am classes. Now, tell me. Did the majority of the girls in your class stumble in on Friday morning in baseball caps? They did at my school, and they were usually wearing their pajamas as well. Hats are wonderful. If you hair is tangled, greasy, sticking up or out, or smells like smoke, slap a hat on your head and head on out. No one will ever know.


I only wish I could pull off hats. My head is oddly shaped, and with my short hair I just look like Danny Devito. Or Lily Allen.

Of course, you get extra points if you put it all together. Now tell me, do you notice if Jessica is wearing makeup? Nope. Her hair is a hot mess, but do you notice that either? Nope. She just looks very boho chic.

In conclusion: if you see some freak at Walmart, wearing sunglasses inside, and sporting a trucker hat on their obscenely large head, walk up and say hello. That's probably me.